Woot:)

A new leaf, a new leaf :)
No more dr pepper.
Cleaning my room.
Laundry :P
More scripture reading.
Deleted and blocked both of them off of facebook, outta my life forever ;) Good ridance.
I'm moving on. I deserve better.

Lovin life, Lu ;)

THINGS THAT I AM ABSOLUTELY DONE WITH

Starting right here, and right now, I am DONE.
Done looking at his facebook wall.
Done look at her facebook wall.
Done procrastinating homework till after midnight.
Done making myself throw up.
Done waking up late.
Done reading old, crappy text messages.


These are the hardest things that I am going to have to get through. But I AM going to get through them. I will update every week. Or maybe keep a journal. Whatever. I am strong. And smart. And beautiful. And just what I am supposed to be.

All of my love, Lu :)

Red Lipstick

So this weekend is the dance concert. What a blast. I kind of hate the bratty girls who think they are better than everyone else. But whatevs. I love gettin all done up for concert. RED LIPSTICK :D I have a million things to be doing right now, baking brownies for the concert and cleaning my bathroom :P But I just wanted to update. I am loving life. <3

School house

You guys. I don't sleep. This is getting ridiculous. Uhm, and I have a math test tomorrow... I don't know who to do 7/8ths of it. Bad news. Bad bad news. Ughhhhhhh. Life is STRESSING me out.

My life could be worse, much worse. So I'll just fake a smile.

WHAT is the point in blogging when all your blogs end up being about the same thing?

i end up at the same place. night after night. day after day. missing him.
why should i even miss him? bet he doesn't miss me. bet he is spending all of his time holding her.. ya know what's stupid? still wish it was me..

i think everyday i am getting better and moving on.. but then that time of night rolls around where i start thinking about the past. about memories. first time at his house. first time i met his family. firsts. lasts. just good times.
broken inside. and wishing that somehow i could cover it all up like he does. or maybe he isn't covering it up, maybe he really is, truly happy.. maybe he didn't love me after all. i just wish he would let me know. he misses me. he's hurting.. something. Leash says he's trying to pull an Edward and 'disappear'... guess what. he isn't disappearing.

sorry all my blogs have reverted back to him.. unfortunately.. he is always on my mind.


All my love. Lu

missin and movin

i miss my brother. he was the boss. I miss saying boss, and having someone to smile knowingly at. i miss summer days drivin around with Logan. i miss his funny, raised eyebrows look. i miss when i was young, and people weren't so messed up. i miss being so, well, not messed up. i miss having a clear complexion. i miss when i had the drive to do homework. i miss having the drive to read my scriptures. i miss putting my hair in braids. i miss having the vcr in my family room. i miss having time to watch tv. i miss when my sleep schedule wasn't so messed up. i miss when i actually used to like eating subway. i miss falling asleep texting adam. i miss loving him. i miss not being angry. i miss a lot of things. but there are many things that have come that have made me happier too :) i am moving along with my life the best way i know how, and even without these things, i am still me :)

In the wise words of All American Rejects: "Move Along, Move Along, Like I know ya do. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it through."

Movin Along ;)

Just Another Picture to Burn.

BURN BURN BURN BABY BURN.

K. Sorry, I really am done now.

If there is one thing I can't stand, it is being lied to. Ugh, he still has my heart :[

Strong strong strong.

Screaming

Go away.
He is mine.
BAAAAAAAAAAH.
I feel like screaming.
I am serious, back off now.
I trust him with my heart.
We are together now.
I will scream.
So stop it.
Leave.

Still.. I want proof..

Thank you. That is all.

Lu.

The Latest

Hellllllllo Spring Break. I welcome you with open arms.

This week was a ROLLERCOASTER. Broken up with. Asked me to take him back. Contemplated. Took him back. Believed in second chances. Heard too many rumors.. Threw up. Slept and slept and slept. Threw up. Trusted and believed him, even when everyone was saying something different. Worked a lot. Hung with my girls. Joy luck, too much food. Conference!!! Lost control... Twice in two days. Relied on my Bee to help me through everything...
Seems like everything is alright nowww. But...

I have a gut feeling something is not okay.. Ugh. Paranoia? I dunno. More thought before I blog on that one.

New photoshoot coming up!!! With Matthew :) And Leash. It'll be hot, I've verrry excited. I'll let you know how it goes. It is gonna get messy :) that is all I can say..
Mmm. Other than that.. Tomorrow is gonna be a FRRRREEEESSSSSHH start. Morning prayers, scriptures, nightly prayers, washing my face, brushing my teeth. ROUTINE. It has GOTTA happen. Change change change.

Love to the world.. Still contemplating. Lu.

Fixed?

Things are getting fixed.. At least I hope so.
The nerve of some girls.. Uhm. Hi, I was here first, Thanks.

I love to love. Mmm. Hope everything sticks together.

stab.

All good things must come to an end I suppose. I am strong though.. Some advice my friend Sloan gave to me today:
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It's so so hard to let go of something you never thought you have to. the worst thing you could do is let this bring you down. You have got to stay busy. I want you to look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that you are a chosen daughter of God, and that you are going to live life to the fullest for Him.

No boy is going to define you. You are beautiful, and you are exactly what you're supposed to be. Even though things didn't work out exactly how you wanted, it doesn't mean that something better isn't in store for you in the long run..
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Lovings of life

Second day in a row writing on my blog? Wow. Who am I? I guess I will do anything to procrastinate my take home test due... Oh, ya know, tomorrow.

Tonight tonight tonight. Weird night, but very good night. Went to Adam's grandmother's birthday party. That boy is pretty easy to read, not gonna lie, haha. I could feel the uncomfortableness staring me in the back. Poor, sweet boy. He is so strong.. I am trying to be less offended by little things, sharing is not one of my strong points, and sharing him is even harder. Haha, but I am improving. Oh, I love to be with him. He is so random and hilarious, and he laughs at his own jokes. Which makes me laugh even harder. Mmmm. He has me wrapped around his finger.

I PASSED MATH!!!!!!!!!!! D- BABY. K. Many of you may think I am a terrible person for thinking that is a good thing, but it is a HECK of a lot better than an F. Agreed???? AGREED. Oh happy day. I am going to do so much better this term. Promise. :) [hopefully I stick to it..]

What I believe in:
Love
Karma
Faith
Prayer
Hope
Charity
My Father in Heaven
Friends who are true
Destiny

Things I don't believe in:
Love at first sight
Luck {Sorry Adam, I know you love the Irish, but i just don't}
Chance
Root canals.. Or dentists for that matter.
Long distance relationships
People deserving to die
Giving up
Homework

Yeah, those are my thoughts for the night. Just some stuff I believe. Uhhhhhh. I hate distance. And stubbornness. But when the two are put together, it makes me feel like driving 90 mph..
Mmmm. Random change of mood. I am finally going to finish my homework. Barf. Peace.

Time to update?

So, from the new picture you can see some changes. Short hair (looks terrible in that picture, I promise it looks better when it is straight) and Adam. My boy. [I must refrain from calling him my boyfriend, my parents are pretty strict on the mattter.] More about him later.

Life is.. eh.. Getting there I guess. School is a drag. But it is the end of the term the beginning of a new one. SO excited for a new start. I need it. I need something fresh.

Dance. Oh my how I love it. This wednesday we are going to RDT, I believe, and taking a class there. Oh my how excited I am, a professional dance company. Just imagine. Also, our concert is in April. It's all about wind. Not a fan of the piece yet, but it is coming along I suppose.

My brother. In Brazil, serving the Lord. :) I am so proud of my best friend. His testimony sounds like it is growing by the minute. And weird to think he is over there speaking a different language. Who are you!?! Hah. I miss him.

Logsie. Haha, Logan I mean. Uhm.. Honestly haven't written him in a while. I need to make it up by sending him a package and some pictures. He's in Oklahoma instead of Texas now. Weird, huh? He sent me some pics from the mission. Cute.

AAAAAAAdam. Oh what a boy. Mmm. He is nearly perfect. He knows how to treat girls. Maturity is something I find very attractive I have learned these past couple months. We talk about the most random and pointless things, but I love every second of it. My favorite place to be is by him. He has suuuuuch blue eyes.

Yeah, there you have my update. Pray that I pass math.. Please. I need it.



Holla to the world.

curly hair and orange juice

I lead a simple life. I have not done anything big. I have not gone anywhere amazing or changed anything monumentally.
I'm a pretty simple gal. I love orange juice. I love sweat pants. I love to leave my hair curly.

A couple months ago, I went through a lot. A lot of soul searching, and a lot of feeling very alone. And now that I have passed that phase, I wonder if I really can make it alone. On earth I mean. My grandma, my uncles, my friends, and my Father in Heaven are up there to help me. I could never do it without them.

But I am pretty sure that on this earth, I could go it alone.
I don't want to ask for help.
I got what I want, I have someone to be mine. Someone to make me smile everyday. To think of when I'm sad. And with Valentines rolling around, I'm not sure what to do. I've never felt this way before.

But I can't get rid of the reassuring feeling that I can do it on my own.
Does that mean I should rid people of my life? I am fine with being alone, but where do you draw the line of letting people in?
Why am I so afraid to let people in?

1:37 AM

Time means nothing to me anymore.
I don't make deadlines.
I don't care about due dates.
I don't sleep when I'm supposed to.
And I'm not home on time.

Why am I not asleep right now?

I turn over and over again. Sleepless. Sometimes crying out, others being still. But this sleeplessness is taking me. Fidget. Be still, I tell myself. But I end up turning that lamp on again. And just staring at the same ceiling I've stared at for the past six and a half years. I'm like a bouncy ball. Can't quite get a hold on the thoughts, on the things said, the expressions used, the faces, and the looks; the apologies, and the laughs. the hugs. the tears. the smiles. Bounce. Bounce bounce bounce bounce.
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The only thing that matters is the long run, I tell myself. Take time to stop and smell the flowers, don't hurry, don't worry. You're only here for a short while.

But that just leads me to believe it doesn't matter. I push it aside, I push aside what I know needs to be done. And I take on only what matters to others. The school work, pushed aside, because that isn't important to anyone but me. Well, it should be important to me. But all that I care about is what others want, what others need. Neglect myself. Maybe that is why I don't sleep, I feel as if it's a favor to myself. I do not say this in pride, I say it that I really don't care about my wants. I live for the smile of others faces.

I don't do favors for myself anymore. Or maybe it's just plain laziness. Either way, it's my slump. I go where the wind carries me. F. C-. F. B+. Wherever that may be, I go there.

This slump isn't ending anytime soon, I can tell. I keep saying, when this happens, THEN I will do this....
No I won't. If if if.
Stupid slump. Three nights running with these stupid tears. And for what? Nothing. Just a slump.

Ohhhhh Boy:)

Yes. I did say oh boy....

Best night in a long time.. I am trying not to dive head first.. but it is SO hard. I took a "Which Sister of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Are you Quiz?" on Facebook.. and although i'm not very much like her, I got Bridget. But then again, I AM.

I have problems with diving head first.. Breathe. Freakin settle down. It scares me, but I love it. Ya know?

Smile :) and live :) and take it each day at a time.

That's the plan stan.

BB 12/31/09

Brian Barnett died from cancer on 12/31/09.
I love him and miss him. He put up an amazing fight.

He was always so strong, and I can learn a lot from him. Sure, I have hard things in my life too, but I don't have to go through [[CANCER]] and [[CHEMO]] every day. I am going to have a better attitude from now on. And I'm going to live. With happiness. His smile says it all, he always have a mischievous smile, like he knew something no one else knew. And maybe he did. He knew the key to life. His strength of the gospel was like none other. I wanna fight for my life like he did.

Love you Bri. You'll live forever.

I decided this picture describes what and where i am right now. Looking off into the distance. Watching and waiting. It's a new year, and a new day.

Unwritten

I want to write a book.
I feel the beginning of the book inside of me. and then poof. no more.
What does one write about? Sure I can write poems.. but they're only a page or so.
Everytime I've ever tried to write a book, it's turned into some cliche story about a murder, or some girl in junior high who has a crush on a boy.
Really people?
I want to write about something deep. A book.
I want to write a book.

I want to be a photographer.
I want to capture those thoughts and those words on the tip of my tongue.
Alas, not an amazing camera. I decided that 30% of good photography is a good camera, and 30% is photoshop.. That leaves 40% talent.
If I had the money, I'd be a photographer.
I have the vision.

I want to be a painter.
My best friend Elise is an amazing artist. We have drawing together.
Ooo. She makes me angry. I love her and all, but she is so amazing.
Such a good artist. I can never draw like her. I wish I could just bust stuff out.
Like Kevin. Kevin is ridiculous. He just takes stuff from inside him and puts it out there.
Wt?? Where did that come from? I wish that was me.

Dance is my main art.
But over the past two months, I've watched myself dance on video.
Not so good.. I mean, I'm not bad. But the form isn't there.
It's definitely a disadvantage of not taking ballet. But ballet captures me, and holds me there. I need to flow freely. -Speaking of which, we start ballet in class tomorrow. Gotta remember to put my ballet slippers in my bad.. Anywho.
I don't have the technique other dancers do. And I don't know how to get it.
I want it bad. But I'll never be the best.

My life is unwritten.
Will I ever be meant to be more than just whatever it is that I am?
I know who I am.
But what if I want more. Deeper.
Deep deep deeper deeper.
Where does the deepness come from?? Me and Elise sometimes call it bs. Ha. Instead of honors english, we call it bs english.. Mostly because we have to make up stuff so much. ---
But I really do want to portray the deep.

Drawing.
Painting.
Dancing.
Pictures.
Poems.
I love art.

I was just messing around in art class last week, messing around with water colors. When a kid, a very know-it-all kid, in my class comes up behind me and says
"Just so you know, next time you do watercolors, start by getting it all wet first."
.... I cannot even explain my face to you.
WHO ASKED YOU!??! I did not say this, for I kept my composure. But honestly. Don't tell me how to correctly take my feelings and put them on paper.
Bah to him.

Yeah. So. Unwritten.
I feel unwritten.