curly hair and orange juice

I lead a simple life. I have not done anything big. I have not gone anywhere amazing or changed anything monumentally.
I'm a pretty simple gal. I love orange juice. I love sweat pants. I love to leave my hair curly.

A couple months ago, I went through a lot. A lot of soul searching, and a lot of feeling very alone. And now that I have passed that phase, I wonder if I really can make it alone. On earth I mean. My grandma, my uncles, my friends, and my Father in Heaven are up there to help me. I could never do it without them.

But I am pretty sure that on this earth, I could go it alone.
I don't want to ask for help.
I got what I want, I have someone to be mine. Someone to make me smile everyday. To think of when I'm sad. And with Valentines rolling around, I'm not sure what to do. I've never felt this way before.

But I can't get rid of the reassuring feeling that I can do it on my own.
Does that mean I should rid people of my life? I am fine with being alone, but where do you draw the line of letting people in?
Why am I so afraid to let people in?

1:37 AM

Time means nothing to me anymore.
I don't make deadlines.
I don't care about due dates.
I don't sleep when I'm supposed to.
And I'm not home on time.

Why am I not asleep right now?

I turn over and over again. Sleepless. Sometimes crying out, others being still. But this sleeplessness is taking me. Fidget. Be still, I tell myself. But I end up turning that lamp on again. And just staring at the same ceiling I've stared at for the past six and a half years. I'm like a bouncy ball. Can't quite get a hold on the thoughts, on the things said, the expressions used, the faces, and the looks; the apologies, and the laughs. the hugs. the tears. the smiles. Bounce. Bounce bounce bounce bounce.
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The only thing that matters is the long run, I tell myself. Take time to stop and smell the flowers, don't hurry, don't worry. You're only here for a short while.

But that just leads me to believe it doesn't matter. I push it aside, I push aside what I know needs to be done. And I take on only what matters to others. The school work, pushed aside, because that isn't important to anyone but me. Well, it should be important to me. But all that I care about is what others want, what others need. Neglect myself. Maybe that is why I don't sleep, I feel as if it's a favor to myself. I do not say this in pride, I say it that I really don't care about my wants. I live for the smile of others faces.

I don't do favors for myself anymore. Or maybe it's just plain laziness. Either way, it's my slump. I go where the wind carries me. F. C-. F. B+. Wherever that may be, I go there.

This slump isn't ending anytime soon, I can tell. I keep saying, when this happens, THEN I will do this....
No I won't. If if if.
Stupid slump. Three nights running with these stupid tears. And for what? Nothing. Just a slump.