It runs hollow

I blew up. I freaked out. I drowned. I had the last straw and I gave it to them. Yesterday was the worst. Started the day off with the princesses in a fight. And of course #1 took it out on everyone, including me.BS english bores me to death. The Q girl lied her face off in seminary and ruins the spirit. How stupid do you think we are?? Lunch comes and #2, in "her quest to be different and oh so wondrous" leaves me with a smile. Whatevs. I have math to do anyways. Don't eat lunch. Just sit there with my math book. Numbers, graphs, factor, factor, factor. During math I get work off, oh yay, today might turn around.

NOPE.

Home: my personal nightmare. Walk in the door.. "Here's the deal." I'm supposed to drive without my license? Aren't you supposed to be the responsible one? Whatevs.. of course A turns it into a huge deal. As always. Makes me feel stupid. D doesn't care. Bank: We are so proud. Blah blah blah. So much savings, so many accomplishments. Grabbed by the arm, pulled out, shoved away. Neither care. Target: Followed around like a five year old. Leave me. Please. Just leave me. Pushed away again. Sick and tired of this crap. And not one reaction. He plays the "hurt" card.. they take it. Of course. TO WANDA!!!! That's the moment I snapped. Right there, turning out of Target, across from Walmart. Snap. SNAP. snAP. I say the things I shouldn't. You're a jerk, I know. And again, play the hurt card, but it's different. Fell for it again. A down in his room. Oh please. Nice. They whisper in the kitchen. About me. Uhm. Still here!! Do they not realize I can hear? Am I invisible? Deaf? It's the last week of the term and my friends are out. Away. Whatever. Not an arm around my neck. Not a hand. Not a shoulder. None. And home is supposed to be my haven? I don't think so.. the DISAPPOINTED ACT???? Are you serious? How ironic. Last night I said I was a disappointment. And they bring that one on. Silence. I go into the numb mode. It scares me alot..

Running through my head: I am always the shoulder to cry on. And if I can't fix it, I freak. Especially with him. I can't do anything about her pain, her sadness, his pain, his doubt. I can't change it. And I cry. So many people need me. I have so much going on, and I can't get through it alone. Numb mode: Auntie is there. The only person who has asked me if I'm okay, looked into my eyes, and genuinely wanted to know. ---They ask what they did wrong. THAT'S WHAT. They didn't care when I needed them. They didn't even try. The could both sense it, and yet one just ran in the opposite direction and one waited for it to blow over. That is what happens every time. And that is where the core of my anger is coming. It is smothered and basked in sadness. But the anger is for them. To let them know that the promise of supporting me forever is pretty much shot to heck now.

SPACE. The best thing for me right now is space. Something they don't understand. I told her I was leaving. She did not tell me no, but she brought out the bull about respect. Don't even try and pull that one on me. You don't respect me. Auntie let me cry, draw, be, talk. Just breathe. That is what I needed. What I still need. And yet they shut me out. Shut me down. So I left.

I will not tell them my problems, my sadnesses, my broken heart, the burdens I feel. Because if they didn't want to hear it when I needed them, they don't need to hear it now.
They don't realize how much I have on my shoulders. And I won't bother them with it anymore. That is all I am. A bother. Auntie tells me I'm carrying too much, that I must lay it at His feet. But I'm struggling with that.

So he dropped me off, I told him I loved him, and he returns with: "It runs hollow, but I love you too." I can tell yesterday is just gonna carry on through today... suckish..just suckish. I would rather have gotten a "I hate you" than something running hollow.

I told someone I loved them last night. They replied with "Thank You". I am foolish, stupid, naive. Even when I need him the most, he won't try. This guessing game is getting old. The guessing game of high school.. Sigh. I'm over it. And by the second, each piece of me becomes more hollow. They tell me "serious consequences". No. You are my punishment.

TO WANDA!!!! :D

If any of you have never seen Green Fried Tomatoes, go see it. Right now. It is an older movie, but it is all about living your life. I am sick of just taking people's crap and dealing with it. So today I did something out of character. I was rude. And it's exhilarating. Not being rude just to be rude, but it was justified. I am sick of taking things and taking things and being a sweet, FAKE, little angel. I am done with it. [It all reminded me of the part where she snaps and just drives her car into those girl's corvet.] So ha and a ha!!! I'm gonna live my life and none of your bs is gonna stop me.
TO WANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<3 <3 <3

Go to sleep.

WHY!?!?
Gah. I don't understand why people try and control things that don't have anything to do with them!! At all?? Especially parents. They always are telling me to clean my room. Why? You don't live there, I do. They say "Go to sleep!" Why?? My sleeping patterns do not effect you in any way. People who freak out drive me insane. Our personalities just clash.
CHILL. My bestie Elise always says "Life isn't this hard." SO true. Why don't you just take a breather and fake a smile at least? Hah. I hate drama, don't wanna create it, be part of it, anything. I wanna prevent it and fix it. No more freaking out people. Especially about things that don't concern you. Don't tell me to go to sleep. I don't care when you go to sleep.. Don't tell me to go somewhere or be something, it's my destiny. Not yours.
I want a fast car, to take me out of here. Anywhere. Anywhere but here. Full of judgments.I'm just sick of the guessing game of high school. SO FULL of forks in the road. Leaving people behind on different trails. People picking trails that don't meet up with yours for a couple years. Getting through the dark paths, and holding out for the light through the trees. Finding people hands to hold down the path. Every winding roads. Tripping on the rocks along the way. Finding the people who are carrying you down those paths. And finding the ones who leave you without a care.
How did I get on this subject? I don't know..

My rewrite to Taylor Swift's "I'd Lie"

I know all his favorites songs.
And I could tell you,
His favorite color's green.
He hates to argue,
Born on the 14th.
His sister's beautiful,
He has his father's eyes.
And if she asked me if I loved him,
I'd lie.

Amazing Song. Dedicated to Seannorie.

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so i
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

Chorus
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

By: Vertical Horizon


He was the best I ever had..

Eh.

It's kind of creepy to have my face posted huge on a web page. And random people reading my thoughts. Eh.

Best Friends.

This is our Sisterhood. A different blog about them later. I love these girls.



"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay a while a make footprints on our hearts. And we are never ever the same."
Me and Leash.. Being who we are. :)


"A true friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
Me and Erik at a football game.


"If looking back hurts, and looking forward scares you, look beside you. Because your best friend will always stand next to you."
Me and Logan at footlocker!


Me and my brother at the beach.

DaNcE

I love beautiful form. I have the flow, but I need more form; more technique. I love my face as a dancer. Weird, I know. I wish I was better at choreography. I am really good at improv, I LOVE IT. But I just can't keep the movements in my head. Maybe I should invest in a video camera? I don't know.. I still wouldn't remember.
I want to apply for sterling scholar. SO BAD. But I don't think I'd get it.. So why try? There are so many dancers better than me in our school. Lots.. I probably wouldn't stand a change.But how would I know if I don't try?
"Do or do not. There is no try." -Yoda
The love of dancing is all that matters.. right? Yesterday in dance class we watched the two of the girls trying for the sterling scholar for this year. It was good to get a feel of what will be in the competition for next year. The first one was more modern, more simplistic. It had alot more emotion, but it may have been too safe. The other one was more contemporary with a little bit of jazz thrown in there; more upbeat. She had alot of flips and jumps, etc. Lots of impressive stuff. She had a kick butt attitude which I loved, but it may have be a little too over the top. [She might also get marked down if it was too jazzy. They said only ballet or modern. I doubt she will thought, because she is a vykelle". One of the main things stopping me from doing sterling scholar is Grace. I will probably write a whole different blog about Grace. She is the most beautiful dancer.. I can't even describe. She would get it for sure.
Dance.. Dance.. Dance.. With my whole heart.

What makes me happy:

photography.
sunshine.
dance, dancing, being a dancer.
drawing 1 with O'connor [grid drawings]
werther's hard carmels
soft, warm brownies
my friends, my family, the people I love... [insert list of everyone I love]
drawing with crayola markers
winking
hugs and kisses [not the candy]
hands
chapstick
laughing
face cards
freckles
poetry
mascara
red hair
sleeping
baseball [Colorado Rockies]
buying things
football [go BYU!!]
my scriptures
quotes
texting
rain
thunder
my list for life

First blog. Handwritten. Then transferred to zee blog.

Here I sit. In French class. Supposed to be doing my worksheet on conjugating verbs. But Rachel isn't here and she is my only friend in this class. So alas, I don't do it.

I think of him. Alot. But not in the sad, pathetic way I used to. More in a thoughtful way: That I miss him. And I love him. And I am proud of him for doing what he should. I wanna marry that boy.. Hah. But I will not get my hopes up now. I can't. She could get in my way in an instance and POOF. My world would be gone. So I wait and trust I supposed. I miss his hands. Especially his freckles.

All the trees outside are mismatched. one copper. one forest green. another golden. a few yellow. one is a mixture of yellow and green ~ the branches are jumping ahead of each other in their growth. Don't jump. Interesting words. But why? Afraid of getting hurt? Ha. Not me. Lost? I figure I'll get lost sometime anyways.This green button is good to look at. It reminds me of a jolly rancher.

Don't you love how the district promised to turn the heat on last week? Still not on. Most promises all get shot to heck [Unless you are God of course, but He is perfect]. "I will always be there for you." -Nope. People come and people go. You fight with them, and even if it's just for a split second, that promise is gone. "I love you." Used so casually at spontaneous moments. But when it really counts,

My phone freezes up alot. Dropped too many times, and overused I'm sure. Take the battery out, take the sim card out. Blow. Put em back in. Turn it back on. Tada. I wish life was that fixable. It bugs me when people don't say "bless you" when someone else sneezes. Why don't we say anything when people cough? I am sick of this gum.. Okay. I need to slow myself down. I am jumping around from subject to subject. That is the story of my life.

Today I have a flower on top of my head.