It runs hollow

I blew up. I freaked out. I drowned. I had the last straw and I gave it to them. Yesterday was the worst. Started the day off with the princesses in a fight. And of course #1 took it out on everyone, including me.BS english bores me to death. The Q girl lied her face off in seminary and ruins the spirit. How stupid do you think we are?? Lunch comes and #2, in "her quest to be different and oh so wondrous" leaves me with a smile. Whatevs. I have math to do anyways. Don't eat lunch. Just sit there with my math book. Numbers, graphs, factor, factor, factor. During math I get work off, oh yay, today might turn around.

NOPE.

Home: my personal nightmare. Walk in the door.. "Here's the deal." I'm supposed to drive without my license? Aren't you supposed to be the responsible one? Whatevs.. of course A turns it into a huge deal. As always. Makes me feel stupid. D doesn't care. Bank: We are so proud. Blah blah blah. So much savings, so many accomplishments. Grabbed by the arm, pulled out, shoved away. Neither care. Target: Followed around like a five year old. Leave me. Please. Just leave me. Pushed away again. Sick and tired of this crap. And not one reaction. He plays the "hurt" card.. they take it. Of course. TO WANDA!!!! That's the moment I snapped. Right there, turning out of Target, across from Walmart. Snap. SNAP. snAP. I say the things I shouldn't. You're a jerk, I know. And again, play the hurt card, but it's different. Fell for it again. A down in his room. Oh please. Nice. They whisper in the kitchen. About me. Uhm. Still here!! Do they not realize I can hear? Am I invisible? Deaf? It's the last week of the term and my friends are out. Away. Whatever. Not an arm around my neck. Not a hand. Not a shoulder. None. And home is supposed to be my haven? I don't think so.. the DISAPPOINTED ACT???? Are you serious? How ironic. Last night I said I was a disappointment. And they bring that one on. Silence. I go into the numb mode. It scares me alot..

Running through my head: I am always the shoulder to cry on. And if I can't fix it, I freak. Especially with him. I can't do anything about her pain, her sadness, his pain, his doubt. I can't change it. And I cry. So many people need me. I have so much going on, and I can't get through it alone. Numb mode: Auntie is there. The only person who has asked me if I'm okay, looked into my eyes, and genuinely wanted to know. ---They ask what they did wrong. THAT'S WHAT. They didn't care when I needed them. They didn't even try. The could both sense it, and yet one just ran in the opposite direction and one waited for it to blow over. That is what happens every time. And that is where the core of my anger is coming. It is smothered and basked in sadness. But the anger is for them. To let them know that the promise of supporting me forever is pretty much shot to heck now.

SPACE. The best thing for me right now is space. Something they don't understand. I told her I was leaving. She did not tell me no, but she brought out the bull about respect. Don't even try and pull that one on me. You don't respect me. Auntie let me cry, draw, be, talk. Just breathe. That is what I needed. What I still need. And yet they shut me out. Shut me down. So I left.

I will not tell them my problems, my sadnesses, my broken heart, the burdens I feel. Because if they didn't want to hear it when I needed them, they don't need to hear it now.
They don't realize how much I have on my shoulders. And I won't bother them with it anymore. That is all I am. A bother. Auntie tells me I'm carrying too much, that I must lay it at His feet. But I'm struggling with that.

So he dropped me off, I told him I loved him, and he returns with: "It runs hollow, but I love you too." I can tell yesterday is just gonna carry on through today... suckish..just suckish. I would rather have gotten a "I hate you" than something running hollow.

I told someone I loved them last night. They replied with "Thank You". I am foolish, stupid, naive. Even when I need him the most, he won't try. This guessing game is getting old. The guessing game of high school.. Sigh. I'm over it. And by the second, each piece of me becomes more hollow. They tell me "serious consequences". No. You are my punishment.