Cancer. And Life.

So I watched 'My Sister's Keeper' for the first time tonight... It kinda left me feeling like I want to throw up. And feeling hopeless. I think in the end it was meant to be inspirational... But it just left me wanting to cry. Although it is very rare that tears leave my eyes, unless I am caught off guard. So instead, I feel the turning of my stomach.

As I sit her and stare at the random assortment of things on my computer desk [my mother's ipod, a red pen, a pencil, a crumpled up napkin, some cds], and I rest my hands on the keyboard, waiting for the words to come flowing out of them, ever so often hitting the backspace button... I think..

I think that maybe my life should be handed over to someone who is more deserving of it. People die from cancer every day. It took my uncle, it took my grandma, it took Brian, it took so many people.. It fought my aunt, and it's fighting my little Koda. It is never going to stop fighting. And each of them did it/are doing it with a smile on their face.

I'm not worthy of the life I live. I'm not trying hard enough. I complain, I spend too much money, I lose my temper too often, I give into my own pleasures way too much. --Most people would take this, and say "From now on, I'll live like I'm dying. I'm going to do my best."
.... What if this is my best? And what if I STILL don't feel good enough.

Cancer sucks.
My thoughts, Laura.