1:37 AM

Time means nothing to me anymore.
I don't make deadlines.
I don't care about due dates.
I don't sleep when I'm supposed to.
And I'm not home on time.

Why am I not asleep right now?

I turn over and over again. Sleepless. Sometimes crying out, others being still. But this sleeplessness is taking me. Fidget. Be still, I tell myself. But I end up turning that lamp on again. And just staring at the same ceiling I've stared at for the past six and a half years. I'm like a bouncy ball. Can't quite get a hold on the thoughts, on the things said, the expressions used, the faces, and the looks; the apologies, and the laughs. the hugs. the tears. the smiles. Bounce. Bounce bounce bounce bounce.
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The only thing that matters is the long run, I tell myself. Take time to stop and smell the flowers, don't hurry, don't worry. You're only here for a short while.

But that just leads me to believe it doesn't matter. I push it aside, I push aside what I know needs to be done. And I take on only what matters to others. The school work, pushed aside, because that isn't important to anyone but me. Well, it should be important to me. But all that I care about is what others want, what others need. Neglect myself. Maybe that is why I don't sleep, I feel as if it's a favor to myself. I do not say this in pride, I say it that I really don't care about my wants. I live for the smile of others faces.

I don't do favors for myself anymore. Or maybe it's just plain laziness. Either way, it's my slump. I go where the wind carries me. F. C-. F. B+. Wherever that may be, I go there.

This slump isn't ending anytime soon, I can tell. I keep saying, when this happens, THEN I will do this....
No I won't. If if if.
Stupid slump. Three nights running with these stupid tears. And for what? Nothing. Just a slump.