I wish I was just 'fine' all the time.
Because when you're happy it's just such a long ways down to sadness,
but at least when I fall from being fine to being bad it isn't that big of a drop.

Does that make sense?

Nah, probably not.

It's one in the morning and I'm sitting here eating salt and vinegar chips.
I want more than anything to be able to cry right now.
But I can't cry, as much as I want to, as much as I would like to force myself to,
I can't.
Isn't that just STUPID?

Laura: Hey, body, it's yourself again. Uhm, could you just give up a few tears? Ya know? Release some kind of emotion?
Body: Nah, thanks, I'm just going to be as stubborn as possible and bottle it up forever and ever until you're sixty when it's all going to come flooding out once you hit menopause.

Hahahaha. I have no idea where that little conversation came from.
It was pretty humourous to me though.

I haven't talked things out with myself via blog for quite awhile now. It feels nice.

Laur: What are you doing?
I have no idea.
Hah, I'm not sad or depressed.
There's no reason for that.
Nor am I upset.

I am quitely pounding my fists inside.
That may be a strange thing to say and it may not make sense, but it portrays how I'm feeling perfectly.

Still trying to figure out college stuff. Thought I had it all figured out... Nope.
SUU is back in to the possibilities.
Shoot.

Dance concert is over.
AP tests are over.
Now time to focus on making money.
College=money.
Bummmmmmer.

I just want to have a good time.
Why can't my heart or my head let me do that?

Because you're Laura.

You're the girl that puts up walls and then instead of slowly letting people get through them,
you crush every wall and let people storm the city.
That, or Option B: you never take the walls down.

You're the girl that lets herself stay up till three am, just because you hate to lay down in bed with all those thoughts. You stay up till you can hardly stand to keep your eyes open any longer.

You laugh loudly, and you say too many sarcastic remarks; that's why people are scared of you, you know that right?
People think you're stuck up. Little do they know, you're just guarded.

You're just fine darling, don't worry about it.
At least that's what I'll keep telling myself.

love. la.

meh.

wearing eddie's gray hat and my new runner runner t shirt today.
dunno why, but i love this outfit.
i look like a dude; that is fine with me.

i'm really done with work.
i'm just not a fan of my job.
i am a fan of money, however. unfortunate combo.

6 am dance rehearsal today mixed with me not getting off work till 11:30 last night..?
tired as all get out.

need to finish my online class today.
badly.
lots to do, not a lot of motivation.

"things change. and people leave. and life doesn't stop for anyone."
i cried myself to sleep last night; ridiculous.
i need to buck up.
i'm ready to go under the covers, never come back.

sigh. i'll get through this. Just an off day..

Things will always work out in the end, if they aren't working out, then it's not the end.

Have you ever just watched the little line on your computer screen flash?
Waiting for you to write something?
Your hands sit on the keyboard and twitch, but nothing comes.
Whenever I type something out, I just backspace again.

I don't have words for how I feel right now.
Dramatic.. I hate being dramatic.
But don't tell me I'm dramatic.
Because this is my blog and this is how I feel; if you don't like it, get off my blog.
Hah, sorry, feeling a little feisty today.

It feels like everyone in my life, now has other more important people to see, or more important things to do.
I'll be honest, I've been distant for a while now. I can see why they've busied themselves with other things.

But it's hard feeling like an outsider in my own life.

I do though. Almost daily, I feel like the people I've loved for so long and have been with me through everything, we're all falling apart.
Maybe I'm the one falling apart.

In this space I just wrote a huge list of everyone in my life and everything they are up to.
I then highlighted and backspaced, because I don't want this to be a post on trying to guilt trip anyone; people are busy; they have lives. I understand that better than anyone.

I just miss those summer days where I woke up to endless and numberless plans.
Just waiting to see what was in store for the day.

And now I wake up having a pretty laid out idea of what's going to happen.
School, work, homework.
I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning.
How boring is that?
I miss my friends.. I feel like I'm losing a lot of them. And through that, I'm losing a lot of who I am.

"People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out."
[I hate to quote Taylor Swift, I do, but it's the most true phrase for my life right now.

I just miss me.


Maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself.
Good solution.

xox. Laura.

To All Of The

Players, cheaters, suckers, and losers of the world:

You don't deserve a girl. At all.

You cheat. You lie. You lose at life. You don't know how to treat people.

To all the great guys out there: THANKS :)

KING OF ANYTHING -Sara Bareilles

MEAN -Taylor Swift

Tomorrow is General Conference. I am so excited to hear what I need to hear.


Something that has been running through my head today:
I hate when the answer to a prayer comes, and it's not the answer you wanted at all...
Love to all, Laura..

I love Being A Viking

Homecoming week is so much fun!!!

It's just not as fun when you didn't get asked to homecoming.. My senior year... :/

Recently

Recently, I was going through all of my old/new/whatever posts and labeling them, because at first with my blog I didn't really understand the point of labels.

ANYWAYS. I came across a comment I've never read until now.

"You're so fake. If there's anyone in this world I can't stand it's you. Just thought I would brighten your day with my feelings :) "

I don't know who this is, or if this person even knows me. People can be so cruel. Everyone we meet if fighting a different battle, and everyone is going through something that we don't know about and we can't see.
So I vote we all think about things before we say/type/text them. Loving really isn't that hard. I am who I am.
Don't hate me until I give you a reason to.
Don't judge me until you know the whole story.
Yeah, I can be cliche. Yeah, I have issues. Yeah, I do get annoying. And yes, I can be a complainer.

BUT THAT IS WHO I AM.

If you don't like who I am, then that is too bad for you.

Life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what can't change. Love deeply, and forgive quickly. Take chances. Give everything and have no regrets.

I'm just trying to live the best I can.

Shelter Me Oh Genius World

I'm trying desperately, it's just so hard to persevere
Stupid girl-- Shoulda know. I shoulda known.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
Maybe I was naive.
Maybe. Someday we'll figure all this out.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.
Don't seek what you don't need from me.
I'm gonna trade my old shoes for new feet; I grab a new seat..
How bout a round of applause? Standing ovation?
Now it's time to go. Curtain's finally closing.
It's a silly time to learn to swim on your way down.
How can I pretend that I don't see?
I'm just a pawn in your game, and this is checkmate.

Thank you to Rob Thomas, Cartel, Jessie Funk, Ryan Pope, Taylor Swift, Rhianna, Tegan & Sara, Making April, and Evanescence. For helping me out with this post.

Today is a rainy, rainy day. Just like the storm inside of me... I need to choose happiness. But today just isn't a happy day.. I hear the thunder and the lightning and all I can do is agree with the sky. xox. Laur.

This Probably Makes Me Strange.

In some ways.. This is how many mornings feel for me.

Time to zip myself up again..
The girl below is wonderfully beautiful.
But many days I find myself feeling her emotions..



How do yall feel in the morning? Do your mornings change your outlooks on the day?
Any advice on how to have a happier morning? :]
Much appreciated.
xo.
Laurs.

Day Twenty Two. Nicknames.

I am so upset and angry and I just had the worst day at work.
It was an amazing day.. And then work came and I tried to have a good attitude and it all just SUCKED.
AH.
I am sick of this stupid 30 day challenge. But I will complete it. I am so close.

Nicknames (All that I have been called or am still called, whether I hate them or not) :

Laur-la-belle.
Crazy walker.
Furry Night.
Lu.
Lu Berry.
Laur.
Lemily.
Lemmers.
Lem.
Lauraem.
Lemon.
And offffff course.
LAURA (:

(Random picture of me)

Holla.
Sorry for such a negative and crappy post. Btw. I won't be able to do the challenge for the next few days, b/c I will be in lava hot springs for labor day weekend. Yesss. I need this break so friggin much.
But. I'll try to do it from my email on my phone. We'll see.
xoxox.

Laur.
P.S. I am looking for a new job :P

Do you ever

have those days where everything seems hopeless?
When it seems like nothing is ever going to work out for you
and you're never going to mean something to anyone
and every fiber of the world is just out to get you?

Like it wouldn't make a difference if you were here or not?

Yeah.
That's today..

Realization.

The only bad thing about being sure of yourself and outgoing:

People forget you have feelings too.

I'm always expected to brush it off and laugh..

Maybe I don't want to anymore.

Total Things Eaten Today:

1/2 a soft tortilla.

Good work Laur.

Tears.

I have 5 best friends.
And tonight I said goodbye to the third one of them. Andrew and Logan are on missions.
And now Ali is off to Indiana for college.
Sloan and Con with be leaving this Saturday.
I just parked in the bank parking lot and cried.

I'm not very good at goodbyes.

This girl is so sweet and so cute. She knows be better than a lot of people.
And I love her so much.
I don't remember crying like this since my brother left.
Goodbyes just aren't my thing...

I love you Al! I always will.
We'll be together soon..

Too much crying tonight. Love.
Laura

P.S. So much for dieting alll freaking day. I ended up with a 64 oz Dr. Pepper to undo my whole day of good/no eating. Sigh. Better luck next time.

I'mma Cynic. So Sue Me.

Tonight I watched a young couple come into my work. They were holding hands, and as I continued to watch them, I realized I was mentally having a conversation with the girl.
"He will hurt you. I promise he will. He will let you think that you mean the world to him.
You don't."

Since when did I become such a cynic to love? Well, since I've watched it fail over and over again. Miserably.
Yes, I have seen it work out. With my parents. And family members. That's about it.
I realized that having been crushed by guy after guy has done damage to my mental view of
love.
Not just normal crushing. But cheating and lying.
Love is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I still believe in love.... Don't I?

Every time I see a couple in public, even if they aren't all over each other, I automatically think the worst. "He's cheating on you." "He doesn't even love you anymore." "He's using you."
A friend was telling me about his first kiss the other day when he said "But I don't want to do it too much. I want to keep it special." My automatic thought was "Yeah right."

I really do WANT to believe in love. I'm so grateful for aunts and uncles, and my mother and my father. For showing me what true love is.

I'm gonna work on this whole "believing in love" thing.
And I'm grateful to the genuinely good guys out there. Treat your women right.
K??? K.

Thanks for listening to my random cynical-ness.
Loves. Laura.

There's so much i wish i could take back.. Especially time. The summer is coming to an end. People are leaving. This is so hard..