A Ridiculous Amount

Of time.
It's been a ridiculous amount of time since I last posted, and I figure I should do something about it.
So here goes nothing.

You have to understand I have more than one best friend. I have ... five. Ish. And a lot of these updates are about my best friends; so bear with.

A best friend of mine Devyn: today was his birthday. Happy birthday bu. :) I love that kid and we are so very similar.
If I were a guy, it'd be him. Ha, strange, but true.

Another best friend of mine, Ali, is home for the summer, unexpectedly.
---She just showed up at my work, and we stared at each other, and I asked what she was doing. She told me she came home for the summer. We ran to each other and hugged and cried. Tender.
We talked about everything today.
There is just something different about talking to her than anyone else.

I'm graduating high school in a week. This is insane. What am I doing? Who am I?
I'm so excited. (:
Excited isn't even the right world.
ESTATIC.

My sleeping schedule has been so yicky lately. Earlier this week-- I slept for 21 hours straight.
There may be something wrong with me.

I don't have much else to say.
Oh, sent out my graduation announcements today.
Weird.
They looked like this:



Exciting I guess.

On a sadder note,
the screen on my ipod cracked. Still works though.
My phone just STOPPED working... need to send it in and see if my warranty covers it...
The check engine light in my car came on.

All this nonsense started to fall apart within 2 days.
Oh, and today I paid 45 dollars in parking fines.
THAT's awesome...

I've felt put together lately.
Since when am I composed?
I feel like I need to run wild.
I'm not used to being the grown up one.
I don't think I like it.

Been listening to this song nonstop:
If It Means A Lot To You -A Day To Remember
LOOOOOOOOVE.

Life is pretty good for the most part.
There are huge downs and huge ups.
It's a rolllercoooooassssterrr!

All my love,

sure am learning it.

I wish I was just 'fine' all the time.
Because when you're happy it's just such a long ways down to sadness,
but at least when I fall from being fine to being bad it isn't that big of a drop.

Does that make sense?

Nah, probably not.

It's one in the morning and I'm sitting here eating salt and vinegar chips.
I want more than anything to be able to cry right now.
But I can't cry, as much as I want to, as much as I would like to force myself to,
I can't.
Isn't that just STUPID?

Laura: Hey, body, it's yourself again. Uhm, could you just give up a few tears? Ya know? Release some kind of emotion?
Body: Nah, thanks, I'm just going to be as stubborn as possible and bottle it up forever and ever until you're sixty when it's all going to come flooding out once you hit menopause.

Hahahaha. I have no idea where that little conversation came from.
It was pretty humourous to me though.

I haven't talked things out with myself via blog for quite awhile now. It feels nice.

Laur: What are you doing?
I have no idea.
Hah, I'm not sad or depressed.
There's no reason for that.
Nor am I upset.

I am quitely pounding my fists inside.
That may be a strange thing to say and it may not make sense, but it portrays how I'm feeling perfectly.

Still trying to figure out college stuff. Thought I had it all figured out... Nope.
SUU is back in to the possibilities.
Shoot.

Dance concert is over.
AP tests are over.
Now time to focus on making money.
College=money.
Bummmmmmer.

I just want to have a good time.
Why can't my heart or my head let me do that?

Because you're Laura.

You're the girl that puts up walls and then instead of slowly letting people get through them,
you crush every wall and let people storm the city.
That, or Option B: you never take the walls down.

You're the girl that lets herself stay up till three am, just because you hate to lay down in bed with all those thoughts. You stay up till you can hardly stand to keep your eyes open any longer.

You laugh loudly, and you say too many sarcastic remarks; that's why people are scared of you, you know that right?
People think you're stuck up. Little do they know, you're just guarded.

You're just fine darling, don't worry about it.
At least that's what I'll keep telling myself.

love. la.

Just Talking To Myself

Yes, I wish I had an easier job. I can't stand my job.

But you're lucky to have one.. A lot of people don't.

Yeah, I wish people didn't lie to me; it's like a regular occurrence lately.

It's fine, that's people for you.
"You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself."

I wish people kept their promises,

they don't, so get used to it. No one is perfect.

I wish my bank account was bottomless.

Hey, at least there is something in there, right?

And I have always wished that I could change someone's life. For the good.

And maybe, just maybe, someday you will.

I wish I wasn't so sore.

But that's okay. The muscles are just getting stronger.
You are getting stronger.

via

Just wishing to myself.
Life'll be okay.
I know it will.
Maybe I'm meant for little things.
And maybe I'm meant for huge things..
I am just going to have to wait and see.

I didn't realize until one of my friends started doin it, but I constantly complain.
I complain on my blog.
I complain on facebook.
I complain at work.
I complain at school.
I complain to my family.

LIFE IS HARD. GET OVER IT AND BE HAPPY.

There is never going to be a time for more than a day where everything is absolutely perfect.

So accept it and move on.
Mmkk self?
Mmk.

Love.
I hope you find everything you're looking for..

sick

i'm sick.
i'm so sick.
not only do my teeth and gums hurt, and my stomach [just threw up] and my head is pounding.
but my spirit is sick.

i've lost part of myself this past week.

not trying to be dramatic. but i really don't know who i want to be anymore.
i need two seperate lives. my party life, and my goodie church life.
both would make me happy; just in different ways.

it has been a spring break i will never forget.
some good ways; some bad ways.

tomorrow i'm going to a rocket to the moon concert.
so stoked.
they are playing with runner runner and go radio. it should be a good time.
much needed.

there are very few people who are my true friends right now.
and for that, i am very grateful.

i miss my brother. and i need him badly right now.

this week i'm gonna kick school in the trash.
just you wait and see.
i hope..

xo.


p.s. this photo made me cry.

You Could Be Happy

You're right, picture below, I could be happy.
So I should probably try and figure my life out..

I'm not sure why I keep thinking this over and over again, or what it means, so I'm just going to type it out and try and make sense of it.

I hate how everything in life is so fake.

That's my thought for this night. The world is so fake. So many people, especially people at my school are just so fake. I can hardly stand it. Why not be straight up and be yourself?
I just don't get it.

That's all that's on my mind tonight.
I have a headache.
Going to a jazz game tomorrow.
Working Saturday.
Next week is spring break, hells yes.
Seriously, I cannot wait to just party it up with no school.
Hm.
I'm tired.

Loves.

P.S. Have you seen the show 'Mobbed'? I love it.

Things will always work out in the end, if they aren't working out, then it's not the end.

Have you ever just watched the little line on your computer screen flash?
Waiting for you to write something?
Your hands sit on the keyboard and twitch, but nothing comes.
Whenever I type something out, I just backspace again.

I don't have words for how I feel right now.
Dramatic.. I hate being dramatic.
But don't tell me I'm dramatic.
Because this is my blog and this is how I feel; if you don't like it, get off my blog.
Hah, sorry, feeling a little feisty today.

It feels like everyone in my life, now has other more important people to see, or more important things to do.
I'll be honest, I've been distant for a while now. I can see why they've busied themselves with other things.

But it's hard feeling like an outsider in my own life.

I do though. Almost daily, I feel like the people I've loved for so long and have been with me through everything, we're all falling apart.
Maybe I'm the one falling apart.

In this space I just wrote a huge list of everyone in my life and everything they are up to.
I then highlighted and backspaced, because I don't want this to be a post on trying to guilt trip anyone; people are busy; they have lives. I understand that better than anyone.

I just miss those summer days where I woke up to endless and numberless plans.
Just waiting to see what was in store for the day.

And now I wake up having a pretty laid out idea of what's going to happen.
School, work, homework.
I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning.
How boring is that?
I miss my friends.. I feel like I'm losing a lot of them. And through that, I'm losing a lot of who I am.

"People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out."
[I hate to quote Taylor Swift, I do, but it's the most true phrase for my life right now.

I just miss me.


Maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself.
Good solution.

xox. Laura.

I'm Gonna Stand Tall

Yesterday a lot of bad stuff happened. A lot. I'll just leave it at that.

And yet.. I'm still finding things to be happy about.
Life is just THAT good.

I am truly happy; for a lot of reasons too. And I don't think anything will get in my way.

I'm gonna stand tall.

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

Laura. Is. Back.

I'm back. And I'm ready to go.

This week I will kick Satan's butt.
He deserves a good kick in the butt after all the grief and crap he has given me the past few weeks.

This past week, I decided I was going to get better, get well.

This week I:
bought myself an ipod. It's an 8 GB, and it's bright pink.
fell asleep listening to music.
chatted with a person I respect very highly; he helped me a lot.
went on a walk.
took a nap.
french tipped my nails.
actually got ready for the day.
stopped counting calories.
got on facebook less.
started settling for my best. not perfection, just my best.
got a letter and pictures from Logan.

Annnnnd. This week I have a job interview :) :)
I'm not sure how it'll go, it really just depends on the amount of money, but it'd be a beautiful change of scenery and a really good opportunity. Everything will work out how it's supposed to.

I had someone say to me this week something along the lines of "It's like you are working towards happiness. Happiness is something that is just supposed to be part of you.." I know I am paraphrasing like crazy. But that made me remember,

Happiness is a journey. Not a destination.

This whole time I think I've been waiting to arrive.

Well. I'm done waiting. I'm gonna make the happiness. I'm going to start praying again. And being motivated. And all that good stuff.
I'm done faking the happiness.
This time, it's gonna be for real.

P.S. Doesn't this photo just make you happy?

flickr

Despite all the cheeriness that has been going on around me lately, much of my self inflicted cheeriness included,

I'm depressed.

And I can't figure out why I shouldn't be able to be happy.

I have so much to be grateful for. So much.

I should be sleeping right now. Or doing something worthwhile. I'm not sure if I just had the urge to write, or if I'm trying to escape the insanity of being an insomniac. Either way, I'm sure I'll regret it once morning comes and my bed beckons me more loudly than usual.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep.
I have so much to do, but I just don't want to.

I don't want to grow up, nor do I want to digress.
That just leaves me with the present, which I'm not exactly thrilled with either.

I think one of my shlumps is coming back. I've been battling these 'shlumps' for awhile now, and I thought I had myself convinced that it was all in my head. That I can choose happiness..

But where's the happiness switch? It got lost in the dark..

P.S. Did I tell yall I'm a vegetarian now? I still eat some chicken, I need the protein for dance, but other than that, I'm done with beef and pork.

October First.

October First.

SENSES.
I'm seeing: the fan, blowing back and forth. the green sweater I'm wearing. my pink binder.

I'm feeling: the sickening vinyl of the cheap chairs at the school: suctioning on to my legs --the curses of wearing a dress.

I'm hearing: the fan. the clicking of the keyboard - inconsistent and loud. people flirting.

I'm smelling: air? having a cold makes this sense very useless.

I'm tasting: Life cereal. Mm. and capri sun.

Can you believe it's already October..? I certainly can. Life is going by slowly it seems like. Ha. Who knows?

Last night I was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
There was a little girl who was disabled, but she had the best attitude.

I decided I'm going to try and be like her.
My life is truly great, I have so much, I'm blessed with so much.
I'm also trying to spend less money on food. I have food at my house that is perfectly good. No need to go out and spend a bunch.
I am honestly trying to have a fresh start.

Smiling, Laura Lu.

Followers..

I have 40 followers, which makes me feel like freaking out a bit.
[Kind of one of those moments that you have to coach yourself: "I will not freak out. This will not change my life. I will not freak out."]
Assured, it may not be a big deal compared to the many, many blogs that have hundreds of thousands of followers.
However, I am nothing but happy that someone reads these nonsensical ramblings of mine.
You may think they are stupid or senseless. Some immature or melodramatic. But I have a passion to write and I can't get enough of it.

I found this adorable picture/quote on the lovely blog of Apartment 513 and I just had to share it with you all.

Hope tomorrow is a great Monday for all, and a great week too. xoo
Laur.

Lately

Lately, I have felt like this. No, not suicidal. [I realize she is on a railroad track, thank you.]
Tired;
Like I could fall asleep anywhere and everywhere.

I've had a lot of medication in my system lately; pain relievers:
My teeth have been murderously horrid to me.
Wisdom teeth coming in?
I sure hope not..
Although it has been rough, it still doesn't explain the tiredness.
Stress? --Very possible.

On Wednesday I went to a dance concert of Ririe Woodbury's Dance Company.
I ADORED it.
If you live in Utah and are looking for something thrilling and beautiful and artistic and inspiring,
Go to their concert: Configurations.

My favorite piece was their first piece, 'Bittersweet Chocolate'. It portrayed the ups and downs of love.
And literally changed my point of view on love.
[[Oh how I WISH they would have allowed photographs to be taken.]]

I used to be a cynic, well not anymore.
I was and am hesitant on posting about this because I honestly feel I can't do it justice.
You have to be there.
It made me cry, made me realize love is life and life is love.
You have to take the bad with the good and look at it for what it's worth.
Because at the end of the day, and at the end of your life, all you have is the people you love.

Go forward with faith that everything will be okay. I'm certainly going to try.
I think I'm starting to love love...
Who the freak am I?

xoxo
Laura Emily.

Mirrors Don't Tell The Whole Truth.

I came to many beautiful, hard, but much needed realizations tonight..

I am just trying to make my name in this world.
xoo.

BAE

Sometimes I end up liking people more than I expected.
And sometimes I end up hating people more than I thought I would.
Funny.
Ever happen to you?

I love Being A Viking

Homecoming week is so much fun!!!

It's just not as fun when you didn't get asked to homecoming.. My senior year... :/

Recently

Recently, I was going through all of my old/new/whatever posts and labeling them, because at first with my blog I didn't really understand the point of labels.

ANYWAYS. I came across a comment I've never read until now.

"You're so fake. If there's anyone in this world I can't stand it's you. Just thought I would brighten your day with my feelings :) "

I don't know who this is, or if this person even knows me. People can be so cruel. Everyone we meet if fighting a different battle, and everyone is going through something that we don't know about and we can't see.
So I vote we all think about things before we say/type/text them. Loving really isn't that hard. I am who I am.
Don't hate me until I give you a reason to.
Don't judge me until you know the whole story.
Yeah, I can be cliche. Yeah, I have issues. Yeah, I do get annoying. And yes, I can be a complainer.

BUT THAT IS WHO I AM.

If you don't like who I am, then that is too bad for you.

Life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what can't change. Love deeply, and forgive quickly. Take chances. Give everything and have no regrets.

I'm just trying to live the best I can.

Shelter Me Oh Genius World

I'm trying desperately, it's just so hard to persevere
Stupid girl-- Shoulda know. I shoulda known.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
Maybe I was naive.
Maybe. Someday we'll figure all this out.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert.
Don't seek what you don't need from me.
I'm gonna trade my old shoes for new feet; I grab a new seat..
How bout a round of applause? Standing ovation?
Now it's time to go. Curtain's finally closing.
It's a silly time to learn to swim on your way down.
How can I pretend that I don't see?
I'm just a pawn in your game, and this is checkmate.

Thank you to Rob Thomas, Cartel, Jessie Funk, Ryan Pope, Taylor Swift, Rhianna, Tegan & Sara, Making April, and Evanescence. For helping me out with this post.

Today is a rainy, rainy day. Just like the storm inside of me... I need to choose happiness. But today just isn't a happy day.. I hear the thunder and the lightning and all I can do is agree with the sky. xox. Laur.

This Probably Makes Me Strange.

In some ways.. This is how many mornings feel for me.

Time to zip myself up again..
The girl below is wonderfully beautiful.
But many days I find myself feeling her emotions..



How do yall feel in the morning? Do your mornings change your outlooks on the day?
Any advice on how to have a happier morning? :]
Much appreciated.
xo.
Laurs.

Day Twenty One. Favorite Quote.

Shoot. This is a hard one.


I'm pretty obsessed with Marilyn Monroe.

xoxo.